Due Today

Dear Baby,

Well, we somehow made it to June 19th, your due date. I am, of course, not in labor and probably won't go into labor anytime today, but it is amazing to me that we made it all the way to 40 weeks. You don't know how worried I have been that I would lose you. I knew I probably wouldn't, but every story I heard about other women losing their babies would only compound my fears that one day I would wake up with you dead inside me.  But you're alive and kicking and everything is going exactly the way it should.

Any day now, we will get to meet you and get to know your special little personality. I know you are getting pretty cramped in my uterus because your movements are so big these days. I can literally watch you move from side to side in my belly. Soon, you will have all the space you need to grow.

I love you and I can't wait to meet you face to face.

Love, Mom.

Letters to the Baby #6

My Little One,

Part of me can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms, but part of me wishes you could just stay where you are, safe inside me. I know your father will be a great parent, but I'm not so sure about me. As long as you are inside me, I can feed you and nurture you and even rock you back and forth as I move around. It all comes to by body completely by instinct and completely naturally. But once you arrive...I am not sure how well I will know how to care for you.

Every time I bore/irritate/anger my high school students, I wonder how well you and I will get along. Will the past 6 years of high school teaching help me know how to parent you, or just make me irrational, unpleasant, and boring? Even if I didn't already want to quit my job to stay home with you, I would want to quit because of how often I feel like a failure when it comes to relating to my students, keeping them focused, and helping them learn.

I'd like to think that if I just do everything right, you will grow into a capable, intelligent, well-rounded, independent, imaginative person. But doesn't every parent think that? Don't we all try to do our best for our children...and yet, every day I see students struggling to learn, to get along with authority, to function as people.

You are coming very soon, little one. I have spent 28 years trying to get ready for you, and I am afraid that when the time comes, I won't be ready for you.

I guess parents do this somehow, don't they, little one?

I love you- Mom

Letters to the Baby- #5

Dear Little One,

This morning I lay in bed and felt you move around. Your kicks were so strong that I could see my stomach move up and down when you moved.

Tomorrow marks the 25th week of my journey with you and I am nearing the end of my second trimester. We only have a little over 3 months to go before I get to meet you! Though I'm not happy with the mild soreness, heartburn, indigestion or decreased mobility of pregnancy, it is nice to always have a little person with me.

You have 3 cousins who are anxiously waiting to meet you. The ones who are old enough to understand that I am going to have you like to hug and pat my belly and greet you. I hope you will become good friends with all your cousins.

I also hope you look a lot like your dad. He has dark hair, tan skin, and dark eyes. Maybe you will be like a miniature version of him. Neither of us is very tall, so you will probably be pretty short, too, but there are advantages to that.

There is still so much I don't know about life and getting along with others, little one. How am I ever supposed to teach you? I wish you had a mother who would knows what to do in every situation ...but instead you have me.

The only thing of any value that I really have to give you is the word of God. I will do my best to teach you about God and his Word and His Son Jesus and how you can be saved from your sins and have abundant life, like me.

Well that's enough for now, little one, I need to take another nap.

Love- Mom

A Valentine's Day Letter to the Baby

Dear Little One,

Hundreds of years ago, a Christian named Valentine performed marriage ceremonies for
Christians even though the government forbade him to. For his pains, he was martyred. He believed in God, marriage and raising Godly children. That's one of the reasons why I like Valentine's Day. It's not just hearts and flowers...it's faith and family.

You are part of all this, little one. Your father and I married for love, but it was more than that...it was also because we believed that as a married couple, we could make each other stronger in the Lord and be of more help to one another than we could single. Your father is one of the biggest miracles in my life. I prayed for a man like him for years and the Lord sent him to me.

Waiting 6 years to have you has been very hard for me. I love being married, but after the first few years, you start to long for a chance to grow your family.

One thing I really want you to know is that your father and I really and truly love each other and are committed to each other just as God intended married couples to be. And you are part of that. We prayed for you to come, and we adore you. So never forget that you were born out of love and out of God's plan for our lives.

Someday I pray that you will find a Godly man or woman who you will start your own family with. And on that day, God will smile down on you. I think St. Valentine will be pleased, too.

I love you my little harbinger of hope,

Mommy.

Here we grow again! New belly pics.

At around 4 months, I saw a pregnant woman who was about 6 months along. She was healthy and beautiful, but her belly looked gigantic to me and I wondered how on earth my stomach would grow that much in a mere 2 months.




But here I am now, in the middle of month 5, and boy am I growing! It's a little weird having this belly in front of me, sort of like I have grown an extra limb. I feel conscious of it all the time. In a crowd, I am protective of it, and at night, even in my sleep, I am always considering where my belly is and if it is safe. Every few weeks, it is as if my balance shifts again and I have to be very conscious of the way I am moving. If you've been pregnant before, you know how uncomfortable it is to put any kind of pressure on your stomach, so anytime I accidentally lean up against a table or when the dog jumps up on me, I definitely feel it.

What's amazing is that baby and I are just going to continue growing and growing for 3 1/2 more months!

Crazy Dream #1

They say you have crazy dreams when you are pregnant. I dreamt last night that I had my baby in a hospital two hours away from home, but he was taken away immediately after birth and I was sent home, but the hospital kept him. I never even had a chance to hold him or look at him. A few days later, they gave me 20 minutes with him. A few days after that, my parents and I were going to drive over and try to see him again, but my mom and dad said they had to go grocery shopping instead. I was not fit to drive for some reason, but I desperately needed to see my baby and in the dream I started throwing a fit- crying and yelling and demanding that they take me to see my baby. I felt very embarrassed over my behavior, but I also felt that I couldn't help myself, that I NEEDED to see him, at all costs. And that's when I woke up...not much closure, but at least the baby is with me, and has not been taken away.

Ladies who have been pregnant: did you have similar dreams during pregnancy?

We're halfway there, Baby! Letter #3 to the baby: Week 19

Dear Little One,

I felt you move this week! You are definitely in there, definitely alive and well and moving around! At first, I could only feel you when I was lying or sitting very still, but last night at the grocery store in the juice aisle, your little kick took me completely by surprise. It's hard to know what's you sometimes and what's my stomach digesting or the uterus beating, but I am getting better and better at distinguishing the difference. Your father is jealous that I get to feel you already and he will have to wait a few more weeks. Sometimes I catch him watching us when we are all home together, just sort of staring and marvelling at you growing inside me. Sometimes it makes me self-conscious, but he tells me he is just fascinated by you and me. I am so grateful that you will have a father who will be involved in your life and who will adore you as much as I do.

We have arrived at the beginning of Week 19. The average gestational time for human babies is 38 weeks, so that means we might be halfway there. Of course, it's only an average, and I might find myself still carrying your growing self into weeks 39, 40, 41, or even 42. The midwife says it almost never goes past that point.

So far carrying you has been completely average and completely normal. Most couples trying to concieve manage to succeed in about 3 months, which is exactly was happened for us. When we went to our last check-up in early January, the midwife said my uterus was exactly the size all the charts say it should be. She even sounded a little surprised by that. I have gained exactly 13 pounds, which is right in the range all the books say you should gain by week 19, and my symptoms have pretty much followed the normal, average symptoms of pregnancy. Little baby, this makes me very happy. I wouldn't say that carrying you has been easy, but it has certainly all been very normal, very average, and very much exactly as things are expected to progress.

Part of me can't believe we've made it this far. I have been terrified from the beginning that I would lose you, but somehow you made it through the first trimester, where miscarriage is most common, and now we are halfway into the second. It doesn't mean something couldn't still happen to you...but the odds are definitely in our favor.

Carrying you has definitely made me slow down much more than I imagined I would. I spend much more time just sitting or reading quietly these days than I ever used to.

I only have 3 more months of teaching high school! Then, I will be able to stay home all the time to take care of you. Of course, I still have a play to direct and a yearbook to complete in the meantime, but we will make it through that with God's help. I know that you can hear my voice now and some loud noises, so you must wonder what is going on when your mommy keeps yelling at people every afternoon during play rehearsal.

Well, here's to you, little harbinger of hope. The next 19 weeks are going to be quite an adventure.

I love you,

Your Mommy.

Letter to the Baby #2- 17 weeks

Dear Baby,

I am 17 weeks along with you now and all the articles say you are about 5 inches long and weigh about 5 ounces. I have put on 10 pounds and I am starting to show. My midwife told me I should be eating about 100 grams of protein a day. She said that protein builds babies, not carbs. I was not happy about that at first and thought it was an impossible goal because I don't have enough time to cook meat more than once a week or so, but it really only took me a few days of thinking and planning to get into the habit of consuming that much protein. I mainly drink a lot of milk and eat a lot of yogurt, nuts, seeds, eggs, etc. I started eating more fruits and veggies when we first started thinking about having you. We have almost doubled our weekly grocery bill, but for your health and mine, it is worth it. It's very difficult to work full time and grow you, too, because building you takes a lot of energy and all the new lifestyle changes take energy, too.

I am barely starting to understand what a big deal it is to have a child. You have already changed my life a great deal and I know the changes are only going to continue. I think about life a year from now and I really have no clue what it will be like. I won't be working anymore, I'll be breastfeeding and cloth-diapering and staying home taking care of you. I am privileged to get to do that. Your dad and I have been living in a trailer on about 40% of our income the last few years so that we could build our house without a mortage, and be debt free so that I could stay home to take care of you. It's been pretty inconvenient and sometimes stressful, but I have seen too many young women desperately in love with their babies who have to work full-time and it makes them miserable and bitter. Some moms don't want to stay home, and they're very happy working, but everyone is different and I have always known that that path is not for me. Your dad is willing to keep working to take care of us. He doesn't always like his job, but he does it because he loves us. I am very grateful that he worked hard in high school, went to college, chose a lucrative profession that he is passionate about, got his Master's degree, and found a job that provides for us extremely well. By doing all that, even before he met me, he has given me this chance to take care of you.


It will all be worth it when we finally get to meet you. What will you be like? What will your life be like? Will we be able to teach you all the things you will need to know? I pray that you will have a kind heart and that you will seek God. I pray that you will feel secure enough to explore your world without fear. I pray that you will try new things and meet new people, but still make wise choices about who to make your friends. I pray that you would be succesful in whatever you choose to do with your life, but that you would always remember that God, love, and people are more important than money or stuff.

I have less than 5 more months to carry you and you and I both have a lot of growing to do in that time. It's still weird for me to think of being anybody's mother, but the more I think about it, the more I like it.

See you in June, baby.

Love, Mom.

Just Call Me the Vomit Comet!

I'm in week 16 of my pregnancy now and I am supposed to be beyond all this throwing up stuff, right? NOPE.

During my first trimester I threw up maybe 4 times the entire 13 weeks, and never more than once a week.

This week I have thrown up twice and it's only Thursday.

Early Monday morning we drove down to Bakersfield and I could feel the wave of nausea coming on as we entered town. We stopped at a gas station and I immediately went into the bathroom to throw up. Nothing happened. My nausea disappeared and nothing could induce me to throw up. Until of course, we got back into the car. We had barely driven a 1/4 of a mile down the freeway before I started vomiting. Right there. IN THE CAR!

My husband pulled over before I could spew any more vomit onto the upholstery and I crouched on the highway in the dark, my hands, face, and clothing covered in vomit, throwing up onto the asphalt. It was definitely a low point for me.

After that, my husband got me a bucket to carry with me in the car at all times.

This morning, the nausea came before we had left the trailer, so I was able to throw up in my own toilet and watch the breakfast I just eaten go to waste. At our place, we are always running out of food and always trying to save money, so watching a breakfast go down the toilet was a little tragic. But we got down to Bakersfield with no further incident.

The apparent trigger for these spells of nausea: Whole Wheat Bread. It doesn't get much milder than bread...no one is nauseated because of bread. No one, apparently, except for the Vomit Comet, the new affectionate nickname my husband started referring to me by.

Obligatory Belly Pics

I have been taking pictures of my stomach lately to chart its growth. Believe me, it is GROWING. Before I was pregnant, my stomach was about 30 inches wide at its widest part, and I had a 28 inch waist. Now, my stomach is roughly 38 inches wide at its widest part, and my waist is 33 inches! The difference is more noticeable depending on what I am wearing.

The first picture here is my belly at 3 months. Is she pregnant or does she just have a belly? Still hard to say.





This is my most recent picture at 4 months. I guess you could still mistake me for someone who just has a big belly, but some people probably see "pregnant girl." I know I sure feel different. I don't always feel safe running around and jumping off of things the way I used to, and as my weight shifts and changes, (I have gained 9 pounds so far!)I feel like my center of gravity is changing.




I haven't yet felt the baby move consistently. There have been little feelings here and there that might have been the baby, but it's hard to say.

You're going to have your baby where?

I thought that the women's group I visit with monthly would be fairly supportive of my plan to have a home birth, after all, many of them are former hippies, earth women, artists, environmentalists and supporters of other "alternative" lifestyles.
"We are going to have the baby at home, " I said, after announcing my pregnancy to the group.
The conversation came to a grinding halt. The women stared at me.
"Well, I think you're very brave," one young woman said tentatively. The others continued to stare.
"I think it's a horrible idea," I heard one older lady mutter to the woman next to her.
"I used to be a supporter of home birth," one lady said, "Until I saw my grandbaby die 6 hours after he was born at home."
"Mom," piped in the young woman, "My baby was born without kidneys. The hospital couldn't have done anything either."
"It's actually quite safe," I tried to explain, "Statistically speaking, it's safer to have a home birth with a competent widwife than to go to the hospital."
"That may be true, but a lot of things can happen during birth," a final woman said.
Another woman changed the subject to something less controversial, and I was left to quietly marvel at the shock and dismay of these otherwise extremely liberated women who didn't seem to think it was possible to have a birth independent of a hospital. It didn't really bother me much, though, because a few years ago, I might have reacted exactly the same way.
I am not a hippy, a liberal, or part of an "alternative" lifestyle. I am an extremely conservative Southern Baptist. I believe in serving God, respecting my husband, working hard, and being as independent as possible. Nor do I come from a family that has any experience with home birth, or birth in general.
As the youngest child in my family, I never experienced watching my mother being pregnant. We never seemed to have older aunts or cousins who were pregnant during my developmental years either. In fact, the only real experiences I have had around pregnant women have been my sister-in-laws, Anita and Meghan. Anita is my husband's sister and Meghan is my brother's wife.
Anita had a nightmarish pregnancy and delivery with her first daughter, Jennifer. She threw up 10-15 times a day for her entire pregnancy. She could not keep any food down and lost a huge amount of weight. Near the very beginning of her third trimester, they discovered that Jennifer did not have nearly enough amniotic fluid, that the cord was wrapped tightly around her and that her vitals were dropping drastically. Anita was immediately taken in for an emergency C-Section. Jennifer weighed about a pound and was weak and tiny and had to stay in the NICU for weeks. Jennifer will have severe emotional and physical problems for the rest of her life.
With Anita's next baby, Rebeckah, she had a much easier pregnancy. All went well and Anita had a scheduled C-Section with Rebeckah. Either she didn't know about safe VBAC (Vaginal Birth after C-Section), or she wasn't interested. The abdominal pain from Anita's surgeries has been difficult for her. It's made breast-feeding harder and getting around the house afterwards very painful. Anita still has effects from the C-Sections and it's been 3 years since Rebeckah was born.
For my sister-in-law Meghan, pregnancy seemed easy. She was never sick, she felt great, looked beautiful, enjoyed herself heartily and with the exception of some heartburn and swollen feet, breezed through pregancy. She was determined to have a natural childbirth at the hospital. Meghan and my brother Grant read books, took classes on the Bradley Method, made a birth plan that they explained to every doctor who might see them during labor and tried their hardest to prepare themselves mentally and emotionally for birth. Unfortunately, their baby had other plans and Meghan's labor never really got started. It wouldn't fall into a rythym and since they believed her water had already broken, they became very concerned after a day or so. They went to the hospital where they discovered that Abby's heartrate was dropping and Meghan had to have an emergency c-section. Later, the doctors discovered that Abby's umbilical cord was way too short and that was why labor was not progressing and would not have progressed. Thankfully, everyone was fine and because Meghan had been so proactive with her doctors, she could feel secure that they were telling her the truth and that she had done everything she could have to labor naturally.
So now I'm pregnant. My pregnancy so far has been manageable. I wouldn't say it's been easy, but it hasn't been hard. I look forward to having energy again...someday...and it will be nice to be able to sleep on my stomach again...someday.
Naturally, with these scary birth experiences in my heart, I am a little leary about birth, specifically, about having a C-Section or any other procedure that involves cutting my skin. I really, really don't want my stomach cut open, I don't want a needle in my back, and I don't want an episiotomy. The amazing thing that I have learned, however, is that most of these procedures are usually PREVENTABLE. Most C-Sections are preventable, labor pain is manageable without drugs, and episiotomies are downright unnecessary in most women.
It seems like everywhere you turn, somebody is telling you about their emergency C-section. In the USA, the current percentage of hospital C-Sections is over 30%, so that means that 1 in 3 women who go to the hospital will have a C-Section. I watched a powerful documentary called, "The Business of Being Born," and I began looking into the infant and maternal mortality rates for home births and hospital births. I have since read many books by Midwife Ina May Gaskin and Doctor Sears, and we found a wonderful midwife in Bakersfield, LaMonica Bryant, who is extremely experienced, practical, trustworthy, and clearly loves her job.
Like most women in my society, the phrase, "Home Birth," seemed pretty scary to me at first. But then I found out that the chances of a mother or baby dying are actually higher in a hospital than they are at a home birth with a well-trained midwife. The documentary and all my reading showed me video footage and pictures of something that I had never seen before: laboring women who looked happy, peaceful, even. These women were not screaming or cussing or being wheeled frantically into the hospital. They were moving around slowly, trance-like, managing their pain, working hard, but contentedly so, and their babies were coming out from...where babies are supposed to come out. Amazingly, according to the World Health Organization, 95% of births would progress safely and naturally without any interventions. And if I'm part of the 5% that need interventions, that's when we drive to the hospital.
I am not so naive as to think that we can completely avoid a C-Section. Stuff happens. Nobody knows this better than I do, after having watched my sisters go through what they have. If LaMonica thinks the baby is in danger for any reason, we'll go to the hospital. If we need to have an epidural to prevent a C-Section, that's what we'll do. If we need a C-Section to save the baby's life, that's what we'll do. But at least I will know that I did all that I could do to have my baby safely and naturally.