My Little One,
Part of me can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms, but part of me wishes you could just stay where you are, safe inside me. I know your father will be a great parent, but I'm not so sure about me. As long as you are inside me, I can feed you and nurture you and even rock you back and forth as I move around. It all comes to by body completely by instinct and completely naturally. But once you arrive...I am not sure how well I will know how to care for you.
Every time I bore/irritate/anger my high school students, I wonder how well you and I will get along. Will the past 6 years of high school teaching help me know how to parent you, or just make me irrational, unpleasant, and boring? Even if I didn't already want to quit my job to stay home with you, I would want to quit because of how often I feel like a failure when it comes to relating to my students, keeping them focused, and helping them learn.
I'd like to think that if I just do everything right, you will grow into a capable, intelligent, well-rounded, independent, imaginative person. But doesn't every parent think that? Don't we all try to do our best for our children...and yet, every day I see students struggling to learn, to get along with authority, to function as people.
You are coming very soon, little one. I have spent 28 years trying to get ready for you, and I am afraid that when the time comes, I won't be ready for you.
I guess parents do this somehow, don't they, little one?
I love you- Mom
It takes constant awareness sometimes to remember that I am part of what I refer to as The Ocean of Love and Mercy. Some call this God's love. I am of the same substance as The Creator. It loves me, so how can I see myself as a failure, or not ready to love a part of myself (in this case your child on the way). Cultivating and maintaining a spiritual viewpoint takes constant effort - like raising a child. Some call this - loving oneself. I understand how difficult this can be in the face of surrounding negativity. Nevertheless, it doesn't make it any less true that as Soul we are all sparks of God.
ReplyDeleteI dreamt last night that you had your baby. You were walking around showing him off and I realized I didn't know anything about your labor or anything about how it had gone. I tried to ask you, but you just said, "you know, the regular way, every birth is pretty much the same." I was trying to ask you if you were able to give birth naturally or if you had to have an emergency C-section or what, and you said the baby was only 5 pounds and came too early but "other than that, it was a normal pregnancy, I can't really remember much about how it all happened." It was very aggravating, because I knew if the baby was that early there had to be some sort of story and I wanted to know if you had been able to give birth naturally or not. Then I woke up. So I'm having stress dreams for you now. You are welcome.
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